Goodbye to Estelle
Lol, jokes, I’m totally kidding, I’m not going anywhere. But there will be some changes when it comes to Estelle. I know I tend to waffle, so for those who can’t be bothered reading I’ll write two versions. First, the short and sweet.
Estelle needs to take a step back and give me some room to fit into the world. Although Estelle is me and I am Estelle, I’m not someone who wants to be known as just Estelle and more importantly, I don’t want to think about myself as just Estelle. At the moment, I’m spending a lot of my time as Estelle and neglecting the ‘me’ time that I need. I have potential to do a lot of things but Estelle is restricting me from achieving these things. I want to be someone who is highly successful at building rocket-ships or something, and also be that Estelle girl. So with that said, what I mean by ‘Goodbye to Estelle’ is not ‘toodles – off I go now!’ but rather this marks a halt to Estelle’s progression as a personality or identity. There’s not much else I can do to improve Estelle, everything I do I’ve come to recognise as redundant, and it’s without a doubt my own personality is bleeding through her presentation – a tell-tale sign that I need to change my method of separating these identities. As of the New Year, I’ll stop with the social media, I will be changing my marketing design and I’ll probably stop touring. Now I don’t know how true I’m going to stay to these commitments – it’s not a titanium-cladded promise – but I will give it a good go. I have one more tour planned for 2014 and any further tours will just depend on how I go financially. Ultimately, what I’m saying is that Estelle will freeze as she is and remain unanimated in her online presence. There are some things I won’t change. I respect and love Estelle too much to let her go, so Estelle’s still an escort you can book. I’ll still be writing on my website blog and I’ll still be doing my advocacy work when appropriate.
That’s the short version. Here’s the waffle-full one.
The struggles of a sex-worker differentiate individually. It’s what makes us impossible to categorise. For me personally, it’s never been about how a guy looks, his sexual methods or how he speaks. I’ve never been afraid of another person, even at their worst. There is nothing anyone can do to frighten me. It’s never been about what people think about me; I couldn’t care less about what anyone thought about me. It’s never been about what I think about myself either; I have a pretty good attitude about myself. It’s never been drugs or alcohol; I can handle my own well enough. No one can manipulate me; I have x-ray eyes when it comes to this sort of behaviour. It sounds a bit like I’ve eliminated all sources of discomfort as a sex-worker, but there’s a lot more to my work then just that. I have had struggles. And for me, it’s always been about balance, it’s always been a very internal and unseen battle. That’s how it’s always been with my life and my work has the potential of throwing me off the rails. At the same time, balance is what my work has given me. And that’s where the struggle lies with me, this dichotomy has me fighting wars with myself and I always lose and I always win simultaneously. I lose my passion, inspiration, confidence yet am left with bitterness, resentment and anger that feed me with a different sort of passion and focus. My lust for life fades yet I’m driven more than ever. I’m given balance and imbalance at dispersing doses and it’s difficult to keep up. If I fall behind, if I’m not on top of these inward wars, that’s when things start to go wrong. It’s hard to explain what these feelings are – I’m not very good at categorising and setting aside some emotions. Right now I’m having one of those inner-wars and it’s making me unstable and feeling unresolved.
When I was younger, my inner-conflict emerged from my domestic captivity. I was 18 when I had the opportunity to move on. This was when I created Estelle. Estelle was everything I wanted to be. She represented everything I had the potential of becoming. She was derived from the best of me. I moulded this woman, this adoring, sexy, confident and powerful woman; I moulded her into a shell. And then, as a small little girl, I enclosed myself into this shell and I armoured myself in Estelle’s figure. But I was an imposter, I was never the girl who was adored, sexy, confident, or powerful; I was always just a little girl. But by wearing Estelle’s skin, no one knew who I was and no one questioned my identity. There was never an instance where I broke my act as Estelle. Estelle was the vehicle I drove for my personal development and financial stability. And she achieved everything she set out to do. No one messed with her. She was the best – the best I could be. She was essential for me; she was exactly what I needed to grow-up. At this time of my life, I needed her to have the reins of my life. I needed her to pull me through the constraints of the past and draw me to the present. In this instance, with her in charge, I had the balance.
Fast-forward four years later to the present and things have changed. The methods I once used to balance myself have expired. I can shed off the skin of Estelle and hey, look, I am her now. I am this adoring, sexy, confident and powerful woman. I’ve achieved what I set out to achieve by becoming her. There’s nothing left to do but persevere for ultimate financial stability. But things aren’t the same and I’m worried. I feel like I’ve out-grown Estelle. I’m breaking through this skin, bleeding through it, ruining Estelle’s beautiful skin because I need more room. There is never-ending growth to be experienced and I don’t fit into Estelle anymore. There was a time where I looked at her form as something colossal, she was everything I aspired to become and when I put her on I felt like a kid trying on her mother’s jeans. But now I look at her as something like a figurine, like a pair of pants that barely fit me anymore. When it’s time to be Estelle again, my own personality is like a back seat driver, screaming orders and telling her what should be doing and it’s annoying. Estelle knows what she should be doing; she doesn’t need this once-novice telling her. I’m breaking the act. I’ve lost the balance and it’s pretty obvious: I need to make some changes.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the time I reserve for Estelle, especially when it comes to the internet, is too much. I know I could just cut back, but I think I’ll be better off going cold turkey. This is the time that I should be spending for myself, not for the possibility of improving Estelle’s image. Estelle is going to be fine; I know that in my heart. I know I’m good at my job, I know I look pretty good, I know I’m reliable, so everything I do in addition really just offers the option of people deciding whether or not they like me. And it’s very easy not to like Estelle when my personality is screaming in the undertones – personality that reacts as a needy neglected child because I’m always choosing to be Estelle. I think it’s a comfort thing, it’s much easier being Estelle then it is being me. It’s not surprising to have my real-self domineering on Estelle when I hardly pay attention to me and what I like. This is not what Estelle is; she is not a muddled and confused personality. When it comes to real contact, I’m not like that, I am whole-heartedly Estelle. I find it’s when I’m on the internet that the two characters bleed into each other. And this is my struggle as a sex-worker. I’m sure it doesn’t sound that bad in comparison to other sex-workers struggles but I feel like it’s affecting my quality of life.
I’m really great when it comes to reacting to my environment and other people; I’m quite pragmatic like that. I can diffuse impossible situations and there’s not much else the world can throw at me that I can’t handle. But when it comes to these sorts of things, when internal issues branch out into my behaviour, I struggle. I really, really struggle and I can hardly stand my own company. I don’t have the same ability to compartmentalise as other girls. I’m sure some workers are reading this and relating to it and I’m sure there are others that are confused by my narrative. But this is the way it is, this is how I feel and these are the changes that I’ll be making in hope to find that balance again.
Thanks for reading x